I was in a panel in the Fall and one of the key points that came up in the discussion was the importance of asking for help. The perspective of the complexity of asking for help was highlighted so I thought it would be a good concept to explore as a person with disabilities.
You may be thinking, what is complex or complicated to ask for help? Well, I live in a Western society where being independent is considered valuable. So it is contradicting the disability experience of needing assistance and accommodations. The closer you are to the ideal status of being independent and productive, the more “normal” you seem. However, as a person with disabilities, the expectations often clash.
In some situations, you are expected to figure it out or already know what to do. In other situations, you are expected to ask for help and assistance. In many situations, both are expected and you will not win no matter which you choose. In a situation when both are expected, you ask for help, people are shocked or unwilling to assist. You figure it out (or at least try to) but sacrifice your needs, time, and energy. It is a frustrating time but unfortunately a common experience.
This is how asking for help can be complex.
- You need to ask for it. There are situations where there is no choice but to ask if you would like access to the experience. If it is a common request or if you ask people who are willing to help, it is usually not difficult. However, you may run into situations where it is complicated for the person you asked or the person is unwilling to help.
- The stigma in asking for help. Whether we like it or not, there is still a stigma about persons with disabilities and the common experiences such as poverty and inaccessible spaces that makes it harder to ask. This is usually learned from experience to reach a place when a person feels inclined to stop asking.
- We are expected to ask for help. This is where, in my experience, it gets confusing. We want to live in an accessible society but access is limited to requests. This is not accessible by the way. There are even situations where we have an accommodation plan outlined, the information people needed to help us, and yet, as persons with disabilities, we are still expected to remind people often and ask for things that are already outlined. We have to be proactive about being proactive. It is just as exhausting as it is confusing.
If you are a person with disabilities, asking for help is still important. Yes, it is complicated at times but it is a skill that we need to be connected and build community. Unfortunately, it is a necessity in an inaccessible society compared to the approach of checking in and helping out wherever we can.
It is important to ask due to building a skill called self-advocacy. While many issues are systemic, some situations are more individualized that only you can determine what you need. People cannot anticipate individual needs without information which you can provide in self-advocacy.
Another reason it is important to ask is due to how the current systems are designed for accessibility. This can be due to accommodation processes but it can also be due to the resources available to help you. For example, there is a policy that outlines what your role and responsibilities are in. There may also be processes to escalate as well as other roles and responsibilities to be aware of. As boring and potentially complicated a policy or procedure can be to read for most people, it can be useful to be aware of in terms of your rights. It may allow you to utilize the power that currently exists in a system and provide some power back to you with the laws and conventions that are in place.
Lastly, we should be more communicative of our needs as a society. To build and participate in community, there is a level of sharing and helping to make us stronger. We can’t and shouldn’t try to be and do everything. In some cases, asking for help is needed. While it may be scary to do it due to the value of independence being so prevalent, it can move in a direction of caring and dignity.